I don’t want to be labelled any longer. I feel that it just confuses people (including myself). When I say that I’m bisexual people assume that I’m attracted to males and females in the same way - but I’m not. If I’m going to be completely honest, I vision myself dating and spending the rest of my life with a guy. However when I say that people get judgemental and point there finger like:
”You’re not bisexual, you’re just gay”.But then I’m like:
That’s not completely the case. Even though it may seem that way; as I am physically more attracted to guys and I just can’t see myself being with a woman. Because the truth is: women are complicated, I don’t understand them and I find it hard to fall for them. Every time I get close to a female she becomes like a best friend or sister to me. However that doesn’t give me the right to lie to her and say I’m not attracted to her in any way. The matter of the fact is that I find women attractive and would possibly date one. I just fear that I wouldn’t be as happy. Women get periods, are likely not to have as much sex with you, sometimes fake it, I feel as though I’m the one who has to pay for everything and feel awkward wanting to be the small spoon when spooning. But with men? Men don’t get periods, are likely to love sex as much as myself (or even more), hardly fake it, I don’t feel incompetent when they pay for the date or make more money, can spoon either way without any awkwardness and completely understands and relates to myself. Any girls reading this don’t be like:
:)I’m just saying that I’d prefer to be with a guy. It’s at a point where even I don’t feel I should call myself bisexual. If I only want to date guys.. then am I just gay? But then wouldn’t I be fibbing in saying that I’m only attracted to the same sex. Because to an extent, I am physically attracted to women. Attracted enough for me to have sex with… just not enough for me to want to date or be with.
I remember a time when my ‘friends’ were having a discussion about homosexuality, and I just stood there helplessly listening as they made me feel like shit. From left, right and centre I can hear remarks pushing me further and further into the closet. ”I would slap my son if he was gay, sit him down and force him to watch straight porn”.
My exact face expression:
But the longer I stood silent, the more I felt that they would start to realise that I wasn’t completely straight. I know what the majority of you are thinking - ‘you shouldn’t have been friends with them; they’re not worth it’. The fact is that at this time I felt like it was the social norm to have this attitude. No matter who I spoke to, everyone my age in this area had these opinions. So, I felt like I had to join in to make sure that they didn’t find out. In my head I was telling myself:
But the fear of being outed took over. I joined in with the jokes - ”Their farts sound like whistles, haha”.
Looking back, I realise that if I wasn’t attracted to guys I would have been saying these things without caution. My family, who don’t know about my bisexuality yet, are constantly making jokes when we see flamboyant men or butch women. If I wasn’t born this way I would have been taught to make fun of gays, lesbians, bisexuals etc.. and think that it’s okay. I mean, sometimes I think it’s okay - if it is done purely for comedy and not general opinion. There’s a difference between laughing with me and laughing at me.
So I admit it, I joined in with homophobia, and I regret every word. I just wanted to say that no matter if you’re: straight, gay, bi, trans, pan, human or alien, if you stand up against what seems the social norm for your own opinion… I have a 
“SUCK ON THAT!”
So, I was woken up early because my sister’s body decided to go into labour and I had to drive my mum to her house. So, I was driving like:
Then it reminded me of the fact that I haven’t told my parents that I’m not giving them any grandchildren. Since coming out I’ve started to realise that I prefer guys. It’s just that girls can be complicated; I always end up being the ‘best friend’ when I get close to a girl which leads the idea of a relationship to feel almost like incest. With guys the feelings are much more simple and I’m more comfortable around them. My parents are going to be like:
The fact is:
But this makes me feel guilty for some reason, as if I’m doing something wrong. On the other hand, I don’t want to be that person who has a wife and baby just to please others.
So I keep hearing this phrase: ‘It gets better’. I understand that for some of us living in silence within the confines of the spider web-infested closet is like being stuck in a pile of sinking sand; we’re being pulled into society’s ideology whereby heterosexuality is the ‘norm’, and try to keep calm waiting to make the last steps or in some cases be dragged out of this ‘sinking sand’ that is the closet and into freedom. From then on, we are told the phrase: ‘it gets better’.
Why does this phrase even exist, what has made it normal for people to be in the closet in the first place? In all honesty, the thing keeping me in the closet and stopping myself from coming out wasn’t the fear of the unknown or rejection, but the fact that I fell to the bottom of that sand pit and actually believed that the heterosexual ‘normal’ life was the best for me. I remember saying to myself that I’m going to grow up to have a wife with two kids in a house with a garden. It wasn’t until I realised that over 80% of the married straight couples I know are/have been involved in a divorce or separation of some sort that I realised this lifestyle may not be for me. Take my parents for example: my mum has been divorced before but didn’t marry my dad, and although they don’t live in the same household they have been happy together for over 19 years. In comparison to almost every other couple I know who have kids and have been married for 3 - 35 years and are miserable to the point of having counselling.
So it got me thinking, why should we let society trick us into believing that the hetero lifestyle is the happiest one? Since we were just kids the idea of a lifestyle being with someone from the same sex has been hidden from us. This goes back to when we watched children shows such as Rugrats, whereby the closest thing we got to seeing a character of the lgbt community was Phil and Lil’s mother who conforms to the stereotypes of a butch lesbian. Yet she is shown to have that life of having been with a man and having two children. Why? from an early age the idea of being gay, lesbian, bisexual or other forms of sexuality are shown as being ‘taboo’. No wonder why I fell into the sand bit that sucked me into believing that the heterosexual lifestyle was best for myself, and as a result lived in that spider web-infested, suffocating closet for 17 years.
It wasn’t until I came out that I realised I am more happy to be true to myself than I am to believe I will definitely have that ‘normal’ happy life. The idea of being with someone who makes me happy and not need counselling is ten times more appealing than living in that claustrophobic space that we call ‘the closet’ for the rest of my life. No, I don’t regret a thing. So you can stop telling me ‘it gets better’; because I don’t see how it can get any better from here onwards. Yes, I may loose a few so called ‘friends’ along the way, but only the ones that don’t matter. Yes, things may become awkward between my family and I, but I can’t control whether or not they love me enough to look past it. Yes, I may get called a ‘fag’, but if I don’t get called a fag it will be something else anyway. So how can it get better when there’s nothing better than finally realising that the good things about being out of the closet outweigh the bad.
So I’m out to a few close friends and they think it’s awesome..
However I plan on telling everyone else at my school in September..
Wish me luck!
